you deserve the best! I second guessed myself, I felt guilty and ashamed and I believed him when he said that I was inadequate and wouldnt be able to cope as a mother to my children. I believe his overtures to get together and willingness to have a conversation are just another attempt to hit the reset button as I allowed him to do after varying lengths of attempted NC in the past. . Until one day, after months, or years, that dealer comes back. Why do you keep pretending that all of this stuff didnt happen in the past when its happening in your present? and on the other hand says, A better person would have been able to move past that. In the end, when we continue to go back, the hardest thing will actually be to stop bearing a grudge against ourselves. Your kind words will stay with me and give me extra strength to keep NC. You are right that God didnt say were are to be chumps and Jesus isnt one, either. Like my mother for example? A theological debate would be fun, though, especially with Revolution as shes smart, a writer, has a feisty personality and a beautiful heart and probably knows her stuff. You are not doing that, you are just not willing to give her an opportunity to continue to her nastiness to you. document.getElementById( "ak_js_4" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); When you login first time using a Social Login button, we collect your account public profile information shared by Social Login provider, based on your privacy settings. It does get better with NC, really it does. He tried to get me to meet him and called but I just texted and escalated after some wine. If you forgive, you may be able to let go of your grudge and start to move on with your life. Harboring a grudge When people hold a grudge, they stay in the victim role and perpet- uate negative emotions associated with rehearsing the hurtful offense (Baumeister, Exline, & Sommer, 1998). Something she could have easily done herself. Grudges are toxic to relationships. Sandy- my daughter felt the same w my ex AC. Perhaps thats wrong and Im inflexible or maybe too flexible with maintaining my borders, I dont know. I have had an experience with a narcissist similar to what you described (charmed me completely, was successful, I felt we were compatible) and when I stuck to my boundaries and ended it, breaking NC afterwards was one of my biggest regrets. Key points Holding a grudge is often, in part, an attempt to get the comfort and compassion one didn't get in the past. It feels hard to not want to be that people pleaser and try. Im not calling her again. They arent listening or tell you youre just plain wrong. Stay up to date with what you want to know. So you do. But when someone does harm to you (emotionally, mentally), and you finally overcome that, and they try to convince you things will be positive if you want it to be. Wtf. And when the topic of our relationship came up I was always telling my side of the story HOPING he would give me an apology, a crumb, anything to make me feel like it REALLY WASNT ME. %PDF-1.6 % If you can find the strength, run, dont walk. she should just walk away whenever he approaches. you are special. It's understandable. Therefore, I will never get an apology and there really is nothing he can say to make what he did alright with me. I knew it was not a good situation for my snoopy nature. Though whenever we are together he is constantly receiving text messages and laughing the entire time. He keeps telling me that all these women texting him think hes an ass and laughs about it again. She is also a gold and silver ADDY award winner. My mother has always been narcissistic, verbally and emotionally abusive and neglectful. He came over to chat like an old friend and I introduced him to my friend. When I reminded him that hed been with another woman at a previous event he said she was just a friend. It is OKAY to like someones personality better than my exs. That just comes with time and distance. Sure, maybe theyve changed, in small, little ways (like Maybe they pay for the entire dinner instead of paying half, lol). Deserved forgiveness is passive but empowering, relieving, and offers your wrongdoer new chance new life new opportunity to learn from mistakes made and to grow and to become a better person. I finally learned the lesson that I should of learned then. Also, misspoke about 77it is 707, as you said. 1998-2023 Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research (MFMER). Absent father ect The support & encouragement on this site is priceless , That is great advice. I wouldnt friend zone this guy either, he doesnt sound like good friend material, he sounds like exactly what he says he is, an ass. That is not the issue. I'm especially proud of you for considering your daughter's feelings. If the later, though I completely understand how you would feel, hes free to do as he pleases. I kinda believe they dont want the nc so they can just check we have forgiven them so they feel validated to carry on their merry way.my ex doesnt even bother texting me but will reply to me if I text him. so sad. Be aware that forgiveness is a process. Thats indifference. I worked SO hard trying to make the relationship work while he either withdrew emotionally while he attacked and blamed me. She left another message very late at night asking me if I got it and if I liked it. Thought Id share it. I like this definition of forgiveness. Improved self-esteem. I hope you stick to your guns about distancing anyone who disrespected you. You have helped me in the past and I wish I could say something wise to support you. I hear you, and I know you are right. He has feelings we assume and is a person and shouldnt, in my view, be so blatantly and thoughtlessly disregarded as an object of no significance in the context of CCs painful situation or within the context of subsequent responses. Ready you should be celebrating! If youre praying for them, even in general terms, youre ACTING forgiveness and thats whats important. ago. And holding grudges may actually harm your health. I hear you. : a feeling of anger or displeasure about someone or something unfair. Block him from all social networking sites and anything that allows you to see into his life. I have tried to be the bigger person, tried to put it behind me, but finally I have accepted my feelings and love myself for having the strength to protect what is important to me rather than contorting myself to please him. Its also not a punishment. I know that this need not happen to you, and I hope it never does play out like this for you. Write it on the bathroom mirror if you have to. Yet he wanted to to be friends with me and kept emailing calling after we broke up. Keep telling yourself that. This post is really something to think about. It would be better for him if he had a millstone tied around his neck and was cast into the sea than to face God for what he did to this child! , Committing to someone whos on the fence about you is betrayal of the self. I had to go into therapy just for thateven relatively short term impact can be hell! When you try to set a boundary and say you wont do it, they complain youre holding a grudge. Perhaps a parent constantly criticized you growing up, a colleague sabotaged a project or your partner had an affair. You need to ask yourself why. Consider how forgiveness can lead you down the path of physical, emotional and spiritual well-being. That would be a mistake. If youre unable to move forward without feeling embittered or angry when you think about the incident, then youre probably harboring a grudge. It also doesn't necessarily mean making up with the person who caused the harm. Cause, really To me, its no different than drugs or alcohol. My Mother believes if he really and truly had serious intentions, his ego and my not responding to him would not prevent him from reaching out to me. I finally get it now. If you want a master class in forgiveness, marry someone with ADHD. can not afford to buy the book please contact Nicholas and he will give you a free copy.) See (jumping in as someone who got themselves messed up over church teachings on religion), my 2ps-worth: Forgiving people is an action, feelings are just feelings (although if you entertain vengeful manky feelings youre being unloving towards yourself, and should stop). When we hold a grudge, we. But I fear that I can slip anyday, and become trusting/gullible or a people pleaser and this post reminds me not to. My ex told me to stop treating him like a stranger and that we should just be nice to each other erm, you cheated on me and abused me physically and emotionally HELLOOO!?? Hes made a couple of crumby attempts to contact me since he broke up with me and while initially I thought that would make me feel better, it didnt. Thank you. Im not a helpless, vulnerable child any more, yet cant bring myself to name them individually when I pray. Somehow it feels less amazing than we thought it would once we are over someone and they contact us, I think (Im not there yet, but so I have heard). There is no sense. Thanks everyone for your really helpful advice. "Moving on means choosing not to let the hurt and anger have power over you," Kevon Owen, M.S., LPC, a clinical psychotherapist, told INSIDER. It is not acceptable that people can grow and learn from mistakes. Thinking about what sorts of feelings a person or situation brings up can help you figure out what's really going on. Not forgiving the person who wronged you is the essence of holding a grudge. Then he asked me to think about it and decide what to do (whether to try to stay friends or cut contact, etc.). Just wanted to clarify. But recognizing what's going on and talking things through with them can help you move on. Just a few days ago I got in touch with someone from a few months past who had many, many red flags I did not really want to see. People are too concerned with their own stuff to give anyone elses relationship more than a few minutes head space, dont worry about that. Despite your best efforts, its impossible not to be hurt or disappointed by loved ones at some point in your life. Aw mymble, I didnt know it was so bad. other information we have about you. Whatever happens, commit to treating others with compassion, empathy and respect. He will tell you a bunch of shitty lies anyway. I only need to validate me. dcd568so sorry for your pain. The Connection Between ADHD & Forgiveness. She left me a voice mail message one day when I didnt do something for her fast enough. Lol. Frontiers in Psychology. I love what you said about real friends would support you, see your reason for NC and not have him showing up ay parties you will be coming to. "Resentment is the feeling we have been wronged by someone else and holding a grudge is the belief that we will feel better when we have shown the other person how angry we are," Carrie Krawiec, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Troy, Michigan, told INSIDER. Thats how people meet. Its a broken world and there is no perfect answer to this messy situation, but a clean break is not more wrong than him messing with your head when there is no future. Needless to say, I did not return her call and havent spoken to her since. As a recovering people pleaser, Im done with jumping through hoops trying to prove myself to unpleasable people. If we combine this information with your protected Being a work in progress. He had nothing but kind thingsthings to say about me, my sibling, & others we knew from that time. NC is your most powerful action. I used to watch his house so that I would know when he went out, or who visited. Yes, I have served our homeless community and havent always liked it but did it anyway, didnt think of comparing it to forgiveness but you are absolutely right. Friend Zone at best with this guy. Your instincts will tell you when youre ready to move forward and when youve unloaded your baggage. Are you a codependent who cant get your point across to someone trying to dominate you? P.S. They always tell you who they are. But there are strategies you can try to help you move past your anger and hurt feelings. Im especially proud of you for considering your daughters feelings. What a shame! Who hasn't been hurt by the actions or words of another? But that isn't always the case. But. You cannot treat people that way. Yet she did it anyway. Hi Rosie! You shouldnt have to put yourself through the extra pain of knowing hes with his ex (or not). I have gone through all the possible explanations, mostly that he is a narcissist, certainly emotionally damaged, that he was playing with me, that he got scared, etc. %%EOF These wounds can leave lasting feelings of resentment, bitterness and anger sometimes even hatred. The first step is to honestly assess and acknowledge the wrongs you've done and how they have affected others. Click here for an email preview. A bit OTT, but saw this on Pinterest today and made me think of all of us: You may have convinced yourself that you are too broken for love, but there is someone who will prove to you that true love can heal the shattered of hearts. I know I didnt deserve the hand I was dealt. Ive now had a couple months with the MM at work having gotten the message and having backed completely off. Thank you Natalie. Mayo Clinic Graduate School of Biomedical Sciences, Mayo Clinic School of Continuous Professional Development, Mayo Clinic School of Graduate Medical Education, Have questions about sex? Sandy, I am proud of you, too. This the man Ive been there for who has been very depressed. It lasted only three months, yet I got really deep into it (still am). "Putting too much cream in the coffee or fighting over the TV remote can turn into a major blow-up due to the backlog of unresolved feelings in the relationship.". Getting Real About Recognising Inappropriate Relationship Behaviour: He Doesn't Need To Cheat (or Be 2005-2023 BAGGAGE RECLAIM. Boundary or grudge setting boundaries will get pushback When you share your feelings and your legitimate feelings make another person defensive, you are not being blamed for holding a grudge. It breaks my heart a bit. "Mayo," "Mayo Clinic," "MayoClinic.org," "Mayo Clinic Healthy Living," and the triple-shield Mayo Clinic logo are trademarks of Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research. Too awkward whether its going well or going down the tubes. Thanks for reminding us of that . Right now, its my faith that is getting me a bit balled up in what I think and do. After a 2 year relationship I recently ended the relationshiip and am trying no contact. Lately however, Ive given myself permission not to like people for their behavior. I couldnt really forgive him but I could not let it go either. You will be taking two steps backwards and questioning everything you may say in the text, email etc. I feel frustrated at times because its in the past, gone, done & I want the recycling to stop but not sure how to make it stop. Yeah, people pleasing. Designed to make you chase him for the carrot of a FWB relationship. Enjoy your own company and when theres a relationship worth risking the hurt, youll know it.